Restfulllessness.

I've said it before:

You'll never be completely happy with everything in life all at once.

I get that. I accept that. I'm just going to let this all pour out. No artful writing this time. Here it comes...

I rearranged my room at my parents house. It helped a little. Threw some plants in there.. I don't know much about feng shui but I do know what makes me happy personally as far as furniture arrangement. Never put your bed between a window and a doorway, they say. It disrupts the chi flow while you sleep. That's what they say. What does chi feel like, I wonder? I wish I could feel some chi. Surely I have/do? I wish I could feel a little less or a little more emotionally than I do at the moment. A nice little medium. Why can't life just be full of happy mediums? Maybe I feel too much or too little of anything and it has some sort of numbing effect. I mean I'm not numb, just..perterbed, if you will. To say I am numb would lead into accusations of hypocrisy later on in this post. Or maybe I feel something that I don't want to feel for one reason or another and so I'm just shutting it off subconsciously. The subconcious mind is a fascinating thing.

I'm so restless. Case in point, first sentence of the prior paragraph; "..my room at my parents house." I've been here for 19 years. It's been good, but it's time to move out and on. Did you ever see Big Fish? Lately I'm the narrator. I need out. Out of this house, out of this town. Out of this state in one way or another would be ideal. So when are they going to start building a community on the moon? Kayla hit the atmosphere. Alone, most like.

I am so dependent on others for happiness. Example, I can't stand spending the night alone anymore lately. I find myself constantly looking for a nighttime companion(s)..Someone to hold me over until a better one comes around. Just someone to converse with, sleep beside or around. Nothing trashy. Yet being horribly picky doesn't help much either. Just look pretty and give me a false sense of demand and I'm all yours until you don't want me anymore, I guess. (How strange that I feel this way, in a way, but at the same time I am feeling something else that I am incapable of putting into writing?) ..And didn't I say something in the last post about dependence being poison? What a horrible venom that spreads throughout. Find me someone that is completely stoic and you get a ridiculous prize..some antacid tablets or beano, perhaps. I've put up the stoic front before. Cut it out. You can't fool anyone with that. You are not chemicaless. You'd be dead. You're just trying to numb yourself like the rest of us. And yes, I just busted out a word that I kinda made up. Get used to it. What I don't know, which is alot, I make up. You do it too. We all do it. If you have any doubts, refer to the bottom of this post.

I digress.. but that what this post is about. Digressing. Because that is where my mind has been lately. And I have reason to believe that a mind in digression is one that drives itself to some level of insanity. By the way, I know that 'a lot' is two words, I just choose not to accept it as such. Digression...

Good things can come out of insanity as far as media and the arts, though. But the producer always gets the raw end of the deal. Some tragic or pathetic death is usually involved. You'll become a martyr later though. After you die.




Certain things will make you crazy, like trying to understand antimatter, or love. Just don't think about them. Well, some things are easier not to think about than others, I gather. It isn't everyday that positrons and antiprotons or whatever come to mind. Not to your average joe anyway. I don't lose sleep over the unfathomable vastness of the infinite universe. But I do ponder from time to time. And just which of the two mentioned above is a larger enigma? Oh well, the unexplainable is handed over to our anonymous and elusive God. What a wonderful excuse to use less than 10% of our brain capacities..