alone has no 'us'

there is this trend in my writings lately, i realize;

the more time i spend alone, the more distance i keep from everyone, the more i realize that i really don't want too much to do with anyone else.

it's a bit tough, as nostagia has always been a huge downfall of mine, but i have been weeding out (or atleast heavily excogitating it) those who cause me the greater stresses in my life. the sorts of people who sweat the small things that really shouldn't cause much persperation of any sort at all.




i just find it very hard to deal with the stresses and dramaticisms (yep not in the dictionary) that others seem to present to me at any given time.


i've found that, just as with any other luxury, we really do get used to emotions. it's hard coming out of relationships, or experiencing a loss because the mutual feeling that we experience with one another truely is a luxury. but we at some point adjust to being alone, just as we would have to adjust to changes in the weather or the cost of living.

i've also been coming to terms with my intimacy issues, which i gather have some sort of effect on why i feel this way.

i mean, i suppose that the company of others in small doses is mandatory for one's sanity, but nobody can meet the expectations that i have drawn for them in my own mind. nobody that i have attempted to get to know thus far, anyway.


i'll edit and piece this all together one day. but for now: my scrambled ideas.

your far away thoughts.......

Restfulllessness.

I've said it before:

You'll never be completely happy with everything in life all at once.

I get that. I accept that. I'm just going to let this all pour out. No artful writing this time. Here it comes...

I rearranged my room at my parents house. It helped a little. Threw some plants in there.. I don't know much about feng shui but I do know what makes me happy personally as far as furniture arrangement. Never put your bed between a window and a doorway, they say. It disrupts the chi flow while you sleep. That's what they say. What does chi feel like, I wonder? I wish I could feel some chi. Surely I have/do? I wish I could feel a little less or a little more emotionally than I do at the moment. A nice little medium. Why can't life just be full of happy mediums? Maybe I feel too much or too little of anything and it has some sort of numbing effect. I mean I'm not numb, just..perterbed, if you will. To say I am numb would lead into accusations of hypocrisy later on in this post. Or maybe I feel something that I don't want to feel for one reason or another and so I'm just shutting it off subconsciously. The subconcious mind is a fascinating thing.

I'm so restless. Case in point, first sentence of the prior paragraph; "..my room at my parents house." I've been here for 19 years. It's been good, but it's time to move out and on. Did you ever see Big Fish? Lately I'm the narrator. I need out. Out of this house, out of this town. Out of this state in one way or another would be ideal. So when are they going to start building a community on the moon? Kayla hit the atmosphere. Alone, most like.

I am so dependent on others for happiness. Example, I can't stand spending the night alone anymore lately. I find myself constantly looking for a nighttime companion(s)..Someone to hold me over until a better one comes around. Just someone to converse with, sleep beside or around. Nothing trashy. Yet being horribly picky doesn't help much either. Just look pretty and give me a false sense of demand and I'm all yours until you don't want me anymore, I guess. (How strange that I feel this way, in a way, but at the same time I am feeling something else that I am incapable of putting into writing?) ..And didn't I say something in the last post about dependence being poison? What a horrible venom that spreads throughout. Find me someone that is completely stoic and you get a ridiculous prize..some antacid tablets or beano, perhaps. I've put up the stoic front before. Cut it out. You can't fool anyone with that. You are not chemicaless. You'd be dead. You're just trying to numb yourself like the rest of us. And yes, I just busted out a word that I kinda made up. Get used to it. What I don't know, which is alot, I make up. You do it too. We all do it. If you have any doubts, refer to the bottom of this post.

I digress.. but that what this post is about. Digressing. Because that is where my mind has been lately. And I have reason to believe that a mind in digression is one that drives itself to some level of insanity. By the way, I know that 'a lot' is two words, I just choose not to accept it as such. Digression...

Good things can come out of insanity as far as media and the arts, though. But the producer always gets the raw end of the deal. Some tragic or pathetic death is usually involved. You'll become a martyr later though. After you die.




Certain things will make you crazy, like trying to understand antimatter, or love. Just don't think about them. Well, some things are easier not to think about than others, I gather. It isn't everyday that positrons and antiprotons or whatever come to mind. Not to your average joe anyway. I don't lose sleep over the unfathomable vastness of the infinite universe. But I do ponder from time to time. And just which of the two mentioned above is a larger enigma? Oh well, the unexplainable is handed over to our anonymous and elusive God. What a wonderful excuse to use less than 10% of our brain capacities..

Looking back is a fun way to fall.

Sometimes we so badly want to feel an emotion that we force ourselves to feel something, only to later realize that it was all just some sort of feeble attempt to break away from any cultivation of loneliness inside of us.

Some advice, don't do it. Stay lonely as long as you can, until you just can't live that way anymore. You are better off that way. You are better off lonely than jumping into murky waters with poisonous snakes and the like.

Dependence is poison. Poison is everywhere.

'Mutual' is a word that must exist but is still so hard to fathom at the same time. When I hear 'mutual', a picture of two objects and an interval comes to mind, as it should. But like many, when I hear 'mutual', I believe I should see two objects welded into one another. That is kind of a scary thought. Really.

Mutuality does not equal dependence. That is where people fuck up.
Mutuality is not mandatory.
Mutuality is just something nice to have, like a yard or a remote starter.

We are so so benign when we want what we need.
We are so ridiculously egocentrical. Yeah, egocentrical.

Keeping to yourself just means more time to think.

Hi. I'm Kayla. I am a sheep in wolf's clothing. Not only does folding clothes 8 hours everyday dehydrate you, it also has a tendency to make your mind wander pretty far.

I make more money knitting.

Fold.

Do most people swerve to miss a deer because they value a life or because their insurance will not cover the damages?

Fold.

"Hi! How are you today?" I really couldn't care less, and you know this, but it is mandatory that I ask. "We have sweaters on sale for $9.50 today!" Please support this corporate beast that I work for. No matter how much overpriced shit I sell to you, I will still make minimum wages with little or no compensation.

Fold.

Today, I have been featured in a blog.

And it makes me feel good. Check it out here:

http://apunkincardcompany.blogspot.com/



AND don't forget to check out A Punkin Card Company's etsy for all of your card-giving needs:

http:/APunkinCardCompany.etsy.com/

..But you left out the most important word..

My mind is as thick, vast and opportunistic as outer space. I melt into the puddle that collects around me. Or I would like to. I pretend to, in my mind. I would love to melt those years away into that puddle. Start over. Never start. Start later. Grow up a little.

Mymind.

Some people deserve only all the world can offer and then some.
Sometimes those people receive just enough to get by.
Some people deserve just enough get by.
Sometimes those people receive "..and then some".
We all just want want, want, want.



God? Happiness? No. Neither of these truly exist, only in our minds..but in mine, in mine God is just dog spelled backwards and happiness is my God, or a paper thought with "I Really Do Love You" written all over it.. and then some..

Mymind.

Just who am I trying to kid anyway? As far as I've come, as much as I grow up, I'll never grow up..I still want to melt into that puddle. Like the pull of the moon against the earth in my mind that is outer space (and how cliche is that?), I can't drift too far away from my subject that occupies so much time. As much as I am still the same, please tell me that I have changed. I am that small object drifting helplessly against something larger than myself. My purpose is mediocre next to something that fosters so many other minds.. And all this time all I had ever thought about was myself..



..All I ever think about is my..self.

Knowledge.2007.

I've learned alot this year. Some things in here are much more serious than others. Some things I hope make you laugh, or smile at least. And I plan to type this on different days. Not all at once. Because some days I feel good, and others, not so much. (Today, as I start this off is a "not so much" sort of day.) I hope to express various emotions and takes on what I have learned throughout this. So.

I have learned, in no particular order:

You can't always get what you want.
Kind of like that song. But not really. You usually won't get what you want.

I want things that are not available to me.

I want things that I can't afford.
I want things that do not want me to want them.
I want things that I do not know what they are and therefore will not be able to obtain them for obvious reasons.

I want. I want. I want.

"But if you try sometimes. You just might find, you get what you need."???
Hardly.. I want.

People will always treat you better if you are pretty.
Sorry. The more symmetrical your face is, the better chance you have at landing that job, or whatever. Because trust me. I've been somewhere on both ends of the spectrum. *That sounds far more vain than I want it to. But I just can't seem to word it correctly.* As I look through old pictures of myself, I can't help but wonder how I put up with 8ish years of emotional degeneration caused by both myself and others. I'm still getting used to not being called "pizza face" or something of the sort. And I'm still getting used to taking in compliments from strangers and not wondering if those compliments are sarcastic attempts to make people laugh, at my expense.

Some scars will never fade.
Above.

Fortune cookies will threaten you.
Yeah. Today I got one that said; "You laugh now, but wait until you get home." I was so paranoid to go home all day. You don't even know.

You will never be completely happy with everything in life all at once.
Not me, not anyway. I get bored way too fast.

With friends.With relationships.With places.With jobs.With tangibles.With thoughts.With life.

I had a wonderful relationship with a wonderful boy. He bores me to pieces at times, but he is just the best really. Even if I did want to go back, I couldn't. I've said and done to many hurtful things to ever be content because I know he deserves someone just like him. Someone wonderful and caring and sweet. I am not those things to him. I mean, I care. I would be horrible and cold not to. But I certainly did not show it like I should have. Should. I'll never forgive myself in that sense.

ADD is not always a bad thing.
It gets me through even the most boring of times. I daydream always. If you do not already have it, try your very best to develop it.

Hey! Pasta for dinner!









...I digress.

My dog is my very best friend.
Well. I've known that for a while now. She's never judged, not through any of my awkward or horrible phases. She never tried to peer pressure me into drugs that I didn't want to do or anything of the like. She never left me, like so many have. She's just the best little cuddler. And when I thought something was wrong, I felt pretty dead inside. Because, as one sweet old man at the restaurant told me honestly, with her goes my childhood. We will leave it at that.

Use perverts to your advantage.
Especially when you are a waitress. They usually tip pretty good. Who needs pride, you know?

When you know how something works, sometimes you just don't want it anymore.

Today I met a man who makes just the most delicious icecream. He sees it all the way from the beginning stages. I asked him if he got to eat as much as he wanted. He said yes, but he hasn't eaten ice cream in years. He is sick of it.

Today I also had the opportunity to shadow a veterinarian. She sees lots of horrible things. She sees how dogs, cats, and other animals work. If I was a veterinarian, I wouldn't want a pet.

Don't let things get you too high or too low.
Although awkward sounding, this statement that was presented to me years ago has stuck in my head ever since.. I often think about it, because I do tend to over analyze everything.. How I interpret this is..try to stay pretty level-headed. Emotional roller coasters can only lead to turmoil. Ups and downs whether physical or emotional can leave us drained or sick.

Enjoy your time spent. Make the best of how you spend it.
Don't assume that everyone loves you. Don't assume that everyone hates you.

Maybe it's best to just best to assume that you are generally acknowledged in a neutral way. Maybe it's best to acknowledge others in a neutral way.

That being said, sometimes you have got to roll the dice. Sometimes you have got to find out if your coexistence with one another is positive or negative. At which point, it's tough to keep that level head.

Practice Random Acts of Kindness.
Anything, really. It doesn't have to involve money or charities. Just little things..rake your neighbor's leaves while they are on vacation, hold open doors for anyone that is near, treat everyone with love and respect.
And to those of you who recieve,
Pay it Forward. Like that movie with Kevin Spacey and cute little Haley Joel Osment. It made me cry.

And so here is to a brand new year with the things that I have learned throughout the old.